Every since I was a kid, my parents had big expectations of me. My mom always wanted me and my brother to be either a Doctor, Lawyer or an Accountant. But me and mom never see eye to eye, at age 4 I wanted to be Micheal Jackson (and i don't mean white, or was it black? don't remember, but I wanted to be a singer) At age 6 I told my mom I wanted to be a footballer, (I remember the setting, we were outside around 5-6 pm just as we're talking a rubbish-truck passed by) mom said "If you one something exciting don't be a footballer, why not become a rubbish collector? you get to smell very exotic and different smells everyday, your job won't be boring!" (hmmmmm.... some kind of role model huh?) than when I hit puberty, I tot the best job for me was to be a porn star! (best job in the world! I mean come on, this is what you call "getting paid to enjoy"!)
Everyone has expectations, but I guess talking about your expectations is something that is easily shared, talking about your fears might not. Some people fear death, some people fear being ridiculed, some people fear height, and some just fear bugs. Just like expectations, each and everyone has a different fear. But I guess your fears makes you vulnerable, so you keep them to yourself? Well it doesn't, it makes you stronger, knowing your fears is the first step to over-coming it.
I'm terrified of failure, all my close friends know this, I hate to lose, I'm a sore loser. I hate the feeling of dejection. I really don't get it when people tell me that "Its alright to lose, as long as you tried your best" I just don't. For me losing is not an option, (I'm not afraid of death, I mean, if/and when you die, that's it, what have to to regret, your dead already. Ok maybe I'd regret not telling my family and friends how much they mean to me but, they already know that so .... hmmmm..... not much to regret) does that make sense?
In the end, I just stop trying to hard, I came to conclude that if I don't give it my best and than I fail, that wouldn't be a failure since I didn't try. But if I tried my best and failed, that would me I failed! (Does that make sense?)
But I really just think that I'm trying to make myself feel better since my A Level results are coming out on the 9th and that I just submitted my Mix tape for the JUICE Dj Quest 2007 competition.
Now don't you think death is more merciful? LOL! I'm not suicidal if you were thinking that!
